What is there to really say?

Life. Right now that word makes me want to vomit up my face. I'm not even sure what that means but I like it.  It feels correct for me somehow.

I guess I'm tired of being tired of this situation.

I have a plan (I ALWAYS have a plan, people.) to escape this crazy place in the Spring.  But now (like always) something else has come up.

My "mother" and I have always had an "eh" relationship.  I was a total daddy's girl growing up and my mother's alcoholism, theft, lies, and general whackery did nothing to improve upon our strained relationship.  I look back on my youth and remember all the horrible and stressful times caused by my mother and her issues and am pretty hard pressed to find a moment in time where I felt good, happy, or warm toward my mother.

She certainly wasn't mommy dearest and as she likes to say I'm sure she "did her best" but I still feel major amounts of resentment towards her lack in motherly instinct and her ability to foster a relationship with me.  I'm sure some of that was my fault, being a bratty daddy's girl of a dad who clearly and overtly didn't seem to even like my mother, but how was I as a child supposed to change or fix that?  Where was my guidance to do better by my mother?  Like children, mommies don't come with a user manual.

I am forever hindered by my lack of relationship with my mother because I don't even have the ability to appreciate those that do have the dream mother daughter relationship.  I think people who are close with their mom or feel their mom is their "best friend" are weird.  There, I said it.  It creeps me out.  I always think, "what the hell is wrong with you people?"

I grew up taking care of my mom, hiding things for her, waking her up from a drunken stupor before my dad got home, lying for her, and having to analyze everything she said for truth.  All of this just to maintain the small amount of peace that existed between my parents on a daily basis.  I remember being pulled out of bed one night by my mother and told to pack a few things because we were leaving only to have my father appear in the living room daring her to take "his kids" away from him.  I am not sure how old I was but I recall holding my brother's hand and being caught in a tug-of-war for a bit until my mother relented and we were told to go back to bed.  My mother opened accounts in my name when I was 14, didn't pay the bills, and then hid the collection notices in a large garbage bag in her trunk to avoid getting yelled at by my dad.  One day, I discovered this trash bag and like the traitor I was I turned it over to my dad.  When collectors called and asked to speak for her I was told to tell them she wasn't home.  Instead, I told them to call back and ask for my dad.  Because of my transgressions, I have been told I am a horrible, horrible daughter and have been compared relentlessly to other people's daughters and told how amazing they are in comparison to me.

My parents got divorced when I was 19. (It was announced the same weekend I and my brother moved out of the home- coincidence? I think not.) My mother hooked up with some loser who promptly got her addicted to meth and managed to blow her $50,000 divorce settlement in roughly 4 months.  She eventually left him when he threatened physical violence when the money ran out.  She lost all her savings, her car, and a ton of things she had taken with her when she left my dad. (Which she did by backing a moving truck up to the front porch while he was at work and took anything that wasn't bolted down- except his dresser, one TV, and his recliner.)  She cashed out her 401K to get a new place to live and eventually got away from meth.  I had no idea but she began drinking again during this time.

Things settled down for a bit and for a while she was on track and she seemed to be okay.  I started to visit her from time to time and she seemed stable.  She remarried and they moved to a new place of their own.  I liked this guy and everything was as normal as it could be for a woman like her.

Then one night at work I was illegally browsing the internet and happened upon a DNJ story about a man who had been arrested for a cold case murder in Murfreesboro.  What do ya know?  Hello, step-daddy!  I called and called and got no response so I immediately went to see her after work.  It was true, he had been arrested, and they had had no idea until the police department had come to the door with a task force and arrested him and tossed the entire house.  She was devastated and he was sentenced to 41 years.

The shit storm continued when Dwayne got sick and we went from head above water to drowning and needed a place to stay.  She jumped at the chance and I thought, foolishly, that this could be a great opportunity for us to have a relationship or at least work on one.  Little did I know who my mother had become over the years.  The situation we are in at the moment is the most embarrassing and infuriating I have ever experienced.  This is an all time low for me.  My mother "retired" (she called up and quit after 20+ years the week we moved in) from her job and now sits at home all day smoking cigarettes and weed and drinking beer after beer all day.  There are days when she gets so drunk she urinates on the couch and all over herself and has to change clothes- just like the good ole days.  There are nights when she is so wasted on pills, weed, and beer that she actually asks my husband who he is. (I've been married for almost 9 years.)  I have confronted her on many occasions but she sees no problem with this because she has managed to accumulate a circle of friends that visit her on a daily basis who participate in the same behaviors.

I do not understand this.  I do not want this type of life and do not understand those that embrace it.  Instead, I have found myself to be the subject of ridicule for my level of education, been called various names for my lack of approval, and have been made to feel like a prisoner in my back area of the home.  I wake up on days off from school looking for places to go to avoid her and her group of cronies and the super awesome activities they participate in.  I know my mother will die because of these choices she makes- either the pills, alcohol, a combo of both, or even the lowlife people she associates with.  I feel that my possessions, Dwayne's job, and perhaps my education are at risk by living here.  We're potentially one police bust away from some serious trouble even though we are not involved.  The best part is- I'm not even sure that my mother would tell the truth about the situation and we might go down in flames due to her dishonesty over nothing.

This situation has all been too much for me lately and has had a negative impact on my attitude, my relationship with Dwayne, and has effected my zeal and joy in the things I love the most.  I would not allow my children to be here over the summer and lived with my in-laws to avoid them having to be around this circus of idiocy.  I owe them more and I owe myself more than this.  So, Dwayne and I made a decision to get out in the Spring- come hell or high water.  Roommates, efficiencies, whatever it takes.  I felt great about this and even though I haven't told her and hadn't planned on telling her until after I signed my new lease, I kind of feel like she will be relieved when we are gone too.  That way she can do whatever she'd like free of judgement and she can wrap herself up in her world and be happy again.

The thing is, something always comes up.

She announced recently that she has a lump in her breast.  She was very dramatic about it and made sure that she had a group of cronies around to get a proper reaction (one of the many things I despise about my mother  is that everything is an act and must have an audience) and they all looked to me for my reaction.  My reaction  (no matter the topic) is judged and measured and then evaluated and discussed at length to determine if it was appropriate, or daughterly enough, and if not, what the reasons for that could be.

Today, she told me she hasn't been able to get it seen about (even though she told me she had gone to the doctor about it already, another unnecessary lie) because she hasn't been able to use the car because she's been letting me use it for school. But really it's because she starts drinking so early in the morning that she can't go to the doctor on most days because she has to prepare herself not to drink on the days she picks.  But she uses me and my use of the car as an excuse instead of facing the reality.  Today, for instance, I have a free day until 6:30 pm but she can't go today "because all of the clinics are closed at noon today."  I called and verified that this is a lie and when confronted with that lie, beer in hand, she started yelling at me that if I didn't use the car she would have already gone.  When asked by she said she went already when she DIDN'T she simply said, "We just didn't go."

I shut my door after we hashed out a plan for her to use the car Tuesday morning to go to the doctor (a conversation that started with a mind-blowingly beat-around-the-bush approach that drives me insane) and I realized that I would be a horrible, horrible daughter if I moved out in the Spring if she does indeed have breast cancer.  Why in the world do I even care at this point?  I am already a horrible daughter to her and to all her friends, whose opinions are far superior to her own and mine.  The thought of my mother having breast cancer leaves me with no feeling.  Shouldn't I be scared? Sad? Angry?  The thought of my mother dying leaves me with only a slight guilty feeling of relief.  My main concern is that this diagnosis and my moving shortly afterwards leaves YET ANOTHER opportunity for me to fail as a daughter.

I'm not sure what do at this point or even what to say to her.  I don't know what to say as a daughter, as a person who is so fed up with this failed relationship, or as a woman who has to think of saving herself.  I don't know who to be or who I have the right to be in this.  I just know that this isn't working and if a potential death sentence, or worse yet, a long term, horrible illness (that will surely require me as a daughter to care for her and then my care will be judged and probably deemed not appropriate) doesn't invoke an emotional response in me- is one even there and will it ever be?

I don't think this will change my plans to jump ship in the Spring because I feel that I have tried my best and that you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved- especially someone who apparently loves playing the victim.  So, if I'm a horrible daughter- I might as well save myself and fulfill that label, right?

Wherefore art thou motivation?

I recently got a promotion, of sorts.  A promotion that comes with no pay raise but more hours.

I think I've lost my mojo for school.  I was so excited for it to begin but now that it has I'm so very tired.

I dropped one of my classes today and am now down to 12 hours. My online psychology class just wasn't happening.  I nailed a discussion question and didn't get full credit because I didn't "interact" with my classmates.  Then, today, I took my first test and got a 70.  A "70".  I don't make 70s, people.  The 14 pages of notes I took over the PPs and chapter readings did not help me because I was asked questions like:

You have a friend who works for a fast food chain and is dreading completing his performance appraisals.  What can you say to encourage him to complete them?

A. "No one pays attention to performance appraisals anyway!"
B. "Performance appraisals are an essential part of business and help develop effective training techniques."
C. "Performance appraisals help weed out employees that should be fired!"
D. "Just do your job and complete your performance appraisals!"

I selected "B" and got it wrong.  Less than half of the material I'd read over was on this test and those embedded quizzes that I scored 100s on weren't on there either.  So, I vented to Dwayne, dropped the class, and put my book up for sale on Amazon.  Over it. I'm too old for this kind of class.  I am also too stressed about classes that I need to proceed to mess around and try and scramble to make up for a 70 all semester.

I'm in study hall working, or blogging, with people who aren't motivated to do their work either.  So, as they avoid doing theirs- I'll avoid doing mine.

Tales from the Smokehouse

I asked my mother and her friend to kindly stop smoking around 4:45 p.m. today so that way I could make a delicious bacon and parmesan pasta dish for my hubby.  He deserves such delicious dishes because he has been working 10 hr days for about a week and a half and really just because.

Asking them to stop smoking while I prepare a wonderful meal didn't seem all that outrageous to me especially since I have made this request many times before.  Apparently, today it is a huge deal.  My mother's friend decided not to drink her last beer but instead take that last beer home with her and drink and smoke to her delight at her home.  My mother then bursts into my room and berates me for making her friend mad.  Here are some highlights:

"You KNOW she always leaves before 5 p.m. "
"Now she isn't going to come over here tomorrow- because of YOU!"
"You are the reason I don't have friends!"

Naturally, I fire back a few choice words to her, about her, and about her "friend" because it seems to me that grown ups should have more to worry about that someone asking them to refrain from smoking for an hour or so. She slams the door and hides herself in her room- completely devastated that her friend might not come over tomorrow.  This speaks to the absolutely needy nature of my mother beyond anything else.  She fills this place with people, people she drinks and smokes with, people she gossips with, and then those same people are the ones she talks so horribly about to me when they leave.  And I have made many of these people pissed off on more than one occasion and I can only imagine what is said about me.

I go out and start to cook and she floats out of her room and politely comments on how good things smell and how she can't wait to taste it.

I am confused by this behavior so I make a simple request:  "Can you pick a mood?  Because not even 15 minutes ago you came into my room and jumped my shit over your friend and now you're out here being buddy-buddy. Pick one."

Her response: "I just want to be your mother."

What the hell does that even mean? I don't know and god knows she doesn't either.

I just want some pickles, damnit!

If only I could go back in time and punch my 16 year old self.  Straight in the face. I tell you I'd punch myself so hard that I'd dump that asshole boyfriend, take all AP classes, start putting in scholarship applications, and buy some self confidence from a voodoo priestess.

These things never got done because I was in "love", I wanted a "break" from all that studying, I had "plenty" of time for scholarships and college, and because I didn't know that I was lacking in self confidence.  What a dumb bitch.

And now? I get excited when I can buy myself a $2.50 jar of dill pickles or get Dwayne a $8.99 haircut.

I hereby call shenanigans on adulthood. 

SHENANIGANS, I say!

Love. This.

Summer Reading......

I created a list of books I'd like to read over the summer and that list keeps on growing. Since my Velveteen Rabbit post I've read more, abandoned one, and added to my list from other readings.


I read about Fragile by Lisa Unger in a cooking magazine I'd been browsing through. It seemed very interesting but I found the writing to be "eh".


When K was here we took a trip to the library and I picked up Hemingway's A Moveable Feast, which is about his time in Paris. It seemed so very interesting and Hemingway has a way of pulling me in but he, for me, is just so bulky verbally and hard to read. I always have to concentrate very hard to read Hemingway and always feel like I've been in battle afterwards. I think it took me 3 tries to read The Sun Also Rises. Which is a very good but very lonely book. With the kids here and craziness going on around me I had to move Feast to the end of the books to read list. I will not accept defeat.....but will accept a small retreat. K picked out a book by Laura Hillman called I Will Plant You a Lilac Tree. It is a memoir of Mrs. Hillman's time in several Nazi death camps and tells how she came to be on Schindler's list. K never opened it so I seized the opportunity and read it myself. It is a young adult book and is a terrifying but amazing story. I am glad I read it because in it Mrs. Hillman references an Austrian poet by the name of Rainer Maria Rilke. I was enchanted by the sections of his work she referenced so much that I looked up a book of translated poems locally.


On my most recent trip I picked up Poems from the Book of Hours by Rilke, A Doll's House, Fahrenheit 451, and Fractions = Trouble. A crazy mix, I know. Rilke was selected due to Mrs. Hillman's references. Ibsen and Bradbury just because they are classic and should be read over and over. And Fractions = Trouble is a children's book by Claudia Mills about a boy named Wilson Williams who has had some problems in the past with math and is struggling with fractions. This book is so cute! I was walking by the children's section and just couldn't resist!

Though my original list is longer now and I am getting sidetracked by other readings I am very happy with the way my summer reading has gone so far. I've discovered a Rilke poem that I absolutely adore and have posted below. (Yay for discovery!)

Untitled

 

No, my life is not this precipitous hour
through which you see me passing at a run.

I stand before my background like a tree.

Of all my many mouths I am but one,

and that which soonest chooses to be dumb.

I am the rest between two notes

which, struck together, sound discordantly,

because death's note would claim a higher key.

But in that dark pause, trembling, the notes meet, harmonious.

And the song continues sweet.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

My pity party.

There are roughly 33 days until school starts and I can't wait!  I know it will be stressful and probably chaotic but along with that chaos comes forward progress.  I've been saying all summer long, "When the kids go back....." Well, they are back home now and I hate to say but it wasn't a moment too soon.

N & K came back with us from our amazing TX trip to stay for a bit.  N only stayed for 2 weeks since he had a UT band camp to attend so we spent the first two weeks doing something, anything, every day.  It was sort of a continuation of the TX trip.  I planned meals, activities, etc to keep them entertained and out of grandma's as much as possible.  They of course spent time with her but she gets very cranky easily so we try to keep it light.  And my mom? Well, she is just not appropriate for children so we avoided her like the plague.

After N went back it was just K and I most days and we actually had fun.  We went window shopping in Green Hills, Cool Springs, etc.  We got some funny pics taken together and it almost seemed like I had a partner in crime.  The funny thing with K, and maybe it's this way with all girls her age, but she is a chameleon.  I never know what to expect from her and am never really sure if I am in or out.  When her Aunt K is around; I'm out usually.  Because Aunt K has money that she very willing spends on all kinds of random crap for K.  No matter the fact that she is supposed to be flying back and already has a box of things that won't fit in her bags- but I am the only one who thinks of these things.  And please believe me when I say that I don't begrudge K getting all she can get while she is here since the remaining parts of the year "the favorites" get showered in gifts that my kids and the ATL kids can only dream of. 

But I thought this year would be different and it really felt different for a while.  Especially, after the crazy Facebook fight that got started by Aunt K- targeting 14-yr-old K and 21-yr-old H, because I defended her and was outraged and expressed that outrage and it seemed like she got it- that what was said was not OK and that I was on her team.  That lasted about a week.  After Aunt K apologized and they all went out for mani/pedis I was out again.  Let me clear one thing up....I'm not saying that she should hate her Aunt K forever or for that matter even be mad about it and not talk to her.... I'm just saying remember who defended you. 

I think having kids without having kids is harder than actually having kids.  I am responsible for them just as much as if they'd been pushed out but without the benefit of that automatic and kind of- "you're stuck with me" attachment.  If I had pushed them out perhaps I'd view things differently.  Like a sweet dusting of rainbow colored sugar on them and every bad thing they did and said.  Not that they do a lot of bad things but on the off occasion that they do- I'm the mean parent and hubby is the nice guy. Always.

I try to be the relaxed parent/step-parent/aunt. Because I know what it was like growing up with my father being the rigid ass that he was.  So, when my beautiful niece H told me she had had sex for the first time I was calm. On the outside.  I held a calm, logical, and great conversation with her.  On the inside, I rambled insanely to myself and began shouting STD statistics and pregnancy facts. 

I try and let the kids be as open as they need to be and let them make small and large choices.  An interesting example of this that made me realize how juxtaposed my demeanor as a step-parent and my emotion as a step-parent are happened a little while back.  It was right before T graduated and I had the "best" idea for a small graduation present. A St. Christopher medallion.  I am not Catholic and none of the Mills clan is but I read about the story of St. Christopher and loved the idea of him protecting the kids on their transition from HS to college (how I romanticize things).  I had given a necklace to H for her graduation present and she loved it.  So, in my mind I decided I was going to create this tradition, girls get a St. Christopher necklace, guys get a medallion as part of their HS graduation.  How wonderful it would be and perhaps they would carry it on and it would all just be so great.  But the logical part of me knew that T had made some comments in the past about religion and I, being the relaxed one, the logical one, decided to email him my case and surely he would see my side and LOVE the idea.  Well, I got a response that said that while the sentiment was "nice" the thought of a St. Christopher medallion was a little to "god-y" for him since he thought all religion was "bullshit" anyway.  He thanked me for asking his opinion though.  I was more hurt by this than I thought I would be.

I'm not even sure what the point of all this is. Perhaps that it is hard being a step-parent, that you shouldn't look for loyalty in a 14 yr-old girl, that you shouldn't ask for opinions if you don't want to hear what is said, and that it sucks feeling like the kill-joy all the time.

The last week K was here, T flew in.  He was here for roughly 2.5 days and the hubby and I argued all the last day.  I had had enough of K's new attitude and between that and a string budget, two boxes of overflowing items to be shipped to TX that were ALL K's and would not fit in her bags, and the fact that their flight left at 6:10 am was all just too much for my patience and when hubby got an attitude I melted down.  Which then caused him to do the same because instead of my usual patient, loving smile and understanding attitude he got "I-don't-give-a-fuck" Sally.  When K started crying because she realized that her mother hadn't booked her seat next to T, I had to go into survival mode and just shut down.

Hubby packed her bags, washed her clothes, readied her for the return home, checked them in online- everything that I would normally do.  This pissed him off even more because as I was told it was like "I was trying to teach someone a lesson" and being a "hardass".  I just listened to him whine and complain and bit my tongue.  Because even though I know he was wrong and being an ass I knew he was out of his element, sad since they were leaving, and just as stressed out as I was.  (I am an amazing wife, I know, applause for me.)

Thank God there were not problems getting them on the plane, they took off on time, and landed safely.  I didn't even bother thinking about the box that needed to be shipped back- I removed myself from that situation and made him handle it. (And wouldn't you know that the ONE time he handles it instead of me, Aunt K decides she will ship it from work- thus making it free. Fuckers.  I hate them all, every one.)

Now that the kids are gone we're back in our temporary residence at Sue's Smokehouse.  We've settled into a new routine and there is peace in the valley once again.  I'm not the hardass now and I make his world spin every day with a delightful smile.  I'm still taking him to and from work but that will stop once school starts - I'm counting the days quietly.

Perhaps this marriage and step-kids thing is teaching me patience after all.

Mother-in-Law Blues

Since the kids are here I am in between two homes.  My old home is being treated like a large closet/storage/break room and my new home is one with an overbearing, pessimistic, hoarding grandma.

I cook almost every night because we can't afford to feed us and the kids, even just one kid, on restaurant food. Besides it isn't like we can afford to eat out a lot when it is just the two of us.  So, since I am using psycho grandma's kitchen and utensils I make sure to clean every fork, knife, plate, pot, every damn thing we touch so that it can't be said we are taking advantage of her.  I'm not sure that argument can be made anyway because we are buying all the food used and usually make sure she gets to participate in dinner.

All this back story leads me to one thing.... my mother-in-law is a passive aggressive snotty bitch.

Hubby's brother had a medical incident which lead to us having to go visit the ATL group this past weekend.  We left last Friday.  Thursday, the day before we left, I made a delicious meal, that grandma took part in, and cleaned all but one bowl and one strainer.  I used these items to drain ground beef as per grandma's instructions because she has some kind of special counter top that is connected to the sink and if it gets too hot it will crack.....don't even get me started on that......  Anywho...we ate unusually late that night so I cleaned the kitchen and left the strainer in the bowl with some soapy water because I was exhausted.  I thought I'd clean it the next day as we prepared to leave but that day was crazy and then I thought maybe, just maybe grandma would wash those two items.  Perhaps since she has been eating the food I've purchased, cooked, and in a kitchen I've cleaned every night, and done dishes with dish towels that I have cleaned...she might give me a break.

Friday night we were in ATL.  Saturday night we were in ATL.  We got back Sunday late.  What do you know?  Those bowls were still there...along with what looked like 25 days worth of other dishes....the dishes I ran Thursday night were still in the dishwasher waiting to be put away.

I cooked last night, grandma ate.  I did the dishes....all but that damn bowl and strainer...thinking maybe I was putting too much into this......

Tonight I cooked again, grandma ate again.  That damn bowl and strainer still staring at me from the sink.....and I told myself and I told Dwayne that I wasn't gonna wash those fucking things.

But I did.

ARGH!

Damn Rabbits

I've been taking Dwayne to work every morning and picking him up every afternoon since the kids got here.  Logistically, this is super annoying and gas consuming but helpful since that means the kids (well, currently, kid) and I can go do things while he is at work.

You might know a driver like me.  You might be a driver like me.  I am consistently speeding; not dangerously so, but I definitely have a speed I am comfortable with.  I've gotten tickets before- after all, speeders are really playing the odds- but it has been a while since I was visited on by a ticket.

This morning I was driving hubby to work and a rabbit ran out into the road.  I slowed down and waited while it danced back and forth trying to decide which way to go and encouraged it to run for the safety of the woods, which it did.  We moved on and I saw yet another rabbit sitting peacefully by the road eating grass and that is when I believe I tempted fate.  Upon seeing the second rabbit I said,

"I've seen two rabbits already this morning! Do you think that means it's my lucky day?"

There was no crack of thunder or ominous laughing but I apparently pissed off someone.  As we got into LaVergne I was driving 44 in a 30 (and before ya'll get worked up- it wasn't residential) and got popped.  $110.00.  Nice.

I'm not that upset about it because I was speeding and there have been a gaggle of times where I've gotten away with it but I'm not gonna lie- I was looking for those fucking rabbits on the way home.

Trip Blog!

As you probably know we recently took a trip to Texas to see the oldest graduate from high school.  Since this trip was a driving trip and was going to cost a significant amount we decided to make it a vacation/kid pick-up/graduation trip all in one. (Genius, right?)

We left 05/26 and drove to Texarkana, TX and stayed right on Stateline Rd.  Our hotel was on the TX side and the Wal-Mart and the SubWay were on the AR side- cool huh?  I made a point to drive randomly from one side to the other so I could make state line jokes and quiz Dwayne on which state we were in.

The next day we drove to Austin by way of Dallas.  I'm not sure which genius picked the route that actually went through Dallas but somehow it happened.  We crossed over the Hubbard reservoir, which was freaking huge and so pretty, but awfully scary at the same time, and headed into Dallas proper.  It was around this time that I realized that IH-35 hates me.  The traffic, both in volume and craziness was insane.  I felt as if I was in the middle of a video designed by a madman.  My hands gripped the wheel so tightly I actually burst a blood vessel in my left hand.  That was probably around the time a chunk of tire debris came out of nowhere and I screamed and swerved to avoid it but still managed to run over it.  Yay.  Further on down on IH-35, around Waco, we came to a stand still......for miles. Ugh.  I can handle slow traffic but when we are STOPPED on the interstate I pretty much lose my mind.  It would just accordion back and forth and back and forth.....until finally we passed what was causing the problem- a massive truck fire.  The cab of the truck was no longer there...the trailer was melted and the entire grass,tree, and side of the road was scorched.

We finally checked into our hotel and gathered the children from their mom's house.  We all went to dinner at Rome's pizza, Tyler's job, and managed to thoroughly embarrass him.  The kids spent the night with their mom and when Tyler got off work he came and spent the night in our hotel.  The graduation was 05/28 at Cedar Park Event Center.  This place was huge!  They hold concerts there and a minor league hockey team is housed there.  There were 652 students graduating from McNeil High School that day.  We saw Tyler graduate and there was a ovary aching moment when I looked over at Dwayne and he was teary-eyed.  I asked him if he was ok and he said, "I was fine until the music started."  OMG- le sigh.

After the graduation we all went outside to take some pictures.  (For some reason the week or so we were in TX was one of the windiest on record there.....)  We all then headed to Texican Cafe for some super awesome food. (I picked it out after doing some research online and everyone loved it- yeah, I'm totally badass.)  We then ran around Austin for a bit before dropping Tyler off at a graduation after-party thingy for the night.  The kids spent the night with us at the hotel and we all passed out pretty quickly.  We got up the next morning at 5:30 when Tyler's lock-in ended, picked him up, and then went to Round Rock Donuts for some world famous donuts.  Got those and took them back to the hotel and after they were devoured we all went back to sleep.

05/29 we handed the kids back to their mom for their last day together (don't even get me started. That is a story for another day or alcohol fueled evening) - with the exception of Tyler, who before going to work that day went to lunch with all of the TN people at The Salt Lick.  After a wonderful lunch Tyler went to work and part of the TN group headed for San Antonio but Dwayne and I headed to downtown Austin.  We roamed around the UT campus for a bit (I got into a fountain to be silly and it turned out to be extremely refreshing until I walked around to the other side of it and saw there was a dead bird floating in it.  I recall screaming, "I just got in dead bird water!!")  We then drove around Guadalupe St for a bit then headed to the capital building.  We parked and then went on an awesome self guided tour.  We were surprised to learn that the HOR and the Senate were both in session (apparently, TN isn't the only state that has problems passing a budget) so we sat in for a bit on both.  In the HOR there was a battle of harsh words going on about some decade long building contracts that were recently approved but in the senate they were handling lighter fare.  We were there to witness the passing of Italian-American heritage day!!  Yeah!!  After the capital we ventured to Zilker Park and tried to find the Stevie Ray Vaughn statue but were unsuccessful.  Tyler came and stayed with us that night after work.


05/30 we picked up the kids and headed to San Antonio.  We parked downtown and headed to the Alamo.  The Alamo is freaking ahmazing.  I loved it.  The grounds, the staff, and the authenticity of the place.  I was told to be prepared to be disappointed (by she who will not be named) but I wasn't disappointed in the least.  We were able to catch a speaker on the grounds who told the story of the Alamo, watched a history channel thingy, and went through all the exhibits.  We then headed to the Riverwalk. OMG.  We took a boat ride and got all the inside tips on the area, ventured through the mall, and then had some awesome food (and one huge drink) right next to the water.  We fed the ducks and pigeons (illegally, I might add) and relaxed for a bit.


05/31  SEAWORLD!  OMGZ.  I LOVED IT!  I swear there were times I broke out into tears and I have no idea why.  We spent all day at the park, walking, sweating, and seeing shows.  Then Kalli and I went to see the behind the scenes of the penguin exhibit.  We got to learn about the fish they eat, go into the exhibit, and pet one!  YEAH!  There even some penguin high-jinks as three different penguins found their way out of the exhibit and into the back areas- a penguin jail break!  That night we ordered pizza to our hotel and passed out.

06/01  We had previously invited Tyler and his gf Julia to meet us in Corpus Christi if they were both out of work and could make it.  Well, they could- yay.  We all met at the USS Lexington and took the tours there. We toured the hangar deck, the bridge, and the crew/captain rooms.  Those stairs...no they aren't even stairs..they are like ladders....are INSANE.  I huffed and puffed and squeezed my way through the ship.  The kids got on the anti-aircraft guns and we went through every inch of that ship.  There were huge gun turrets on the deck in which you could climb...... so we crammed all 6 of us in there...watched a video of what it would be like and then Tyler, being the adventurous one, pressed a button.....the loudest, most crazy grinding noise erupted from the speakers.  We all screamed and Tyler laughed after the initial shock.  He had pressed the "howler" button, FYI.  The kids got into a flight simulator and we had a quick snack at "The Mess Deck" on board the ship.  We were all exhausted after climbing all over the ship and were looking forward to a nice swim in the gulf.  We headed down the beach and found a gazebo to park our stuff.  Everyone went inside to change (as Dwayne says- like civilized people) but I decided that I was on vacation and I was going to enjoy the outdoors- so I changed outside at the gazebo.  It was glorious!!!  We all changed and headed straight for the water.  Unfortunately, there were others already there.  JELLYFISH.  Everywhere.  I'm not sure what the problem was... if it was mating season or they had been disturbed by something but it was like a massive jellyfish graveyard.  We walked down the beach to try and find a clear spot but no joy.  They were all over the beach and in the water and ugh.  So, we gave up and ended up swimming at the hotel.  We all had a very interesting dinner at Joe's Crab Shack and Tyler and Julia left for home.

06/02 The remaining four of us headed to Texarkana, TX and stated at the same hotel on Stateline Rd.  And yes, I made the same jokes and got the same response.  :)

06/03 We made it home.  Well, kind of.  Since we have Noah and Kalli both for now we are living with the in-laws and treating our old haunt as a huge closet and laundry facility.

So, for now..we are in-between homes and have been trying to do cheap,free, fun things.  We've been to the Greenway, swimming, had Thai and Greek food, gone to a gourmet chocolate shop, and I have plenty more things lined up.  The ATL group is coming up next weekend which will add another element to this tango, too.  Noah is leaving 06/18 at 8 am and Kalli is leaving mid-July.  There are many nuances of the trip and tons of stories to tell and maybe soon it will slow down enough for me to type more.

For now we are off for a late dinner and movie time.  Ta-ta for now.

Trip Pictures

These pics loaded in a random order even though I added them in a specific order.... go figure.  Posting this now... still working on recap....will post in separate blog.

YAY!! 

 

Dwayne and I and the oldest.

Everyone at the graduation dinner.

TX state Capital

The view from Congress St.

The Alamo!

I don't even know what to say here....

They were over the car at this point..... (Dallas on the way home....) 

Fountain and Tower on the UT campus.

Fountain on the Alamo grounds.

RiverWalk view...... 

RiverCenter Mall on the RiverWalk

View from the Mall.....

Jerks.

SEAWORLD!

Cannery Caper!

Whale!

Whale, again!

In the Penguin exhibit.

Doozey the RockHopper.

After he pooped on the little girl....

He was a little restless...checking everyone out...

Rosita the baby RockHopper.

The SeaWorld group.

The USS Lexington.

Self-explanatory.

View from a rest area on the ship.

Tyler and Julia in the gun turret- before the howler incident.

In the barracks.

Kalli wants to sign up!

He was laughing so hard when they saw this sign.

The Lexington group.

Revisting The Velveteen Rabbit

........"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room.  "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick out handle?" 
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.  "It's a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." 
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.  "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." 
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" 
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.  "You become.  It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints, and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.".............................

Caribou Island

I just finished one of my two books that I recently checked out for my summer reading fest.  It is called Caribou Island by David Vann.  Here are some interesting sections that I thought I'd share:

"Soup's on, she yelled from the tent.  Kneeling like she was at some altar, but worshipping what god?  An outpost for the faithful who hadn't yet decided on a name.  Still fashioning their god, finding their fears and their corollaries.  Most importantly, what would the god do?  Irene didn't want an afterlife.  This life was more than enough.  And she didn't need to be forgiven.  She just wanted to be given back what had been taken.  A lost-and-found god.  That would be good enough.  No other fancy qualities, nothing mystical.  Just give back what had been taken."

"The tent as wild as any flames for reading signs, but you'd have to want to see.  You'd have to be half-dumb or from an earlier time.  That was the problem with now.  You couldn't believe, and it was awful not to believe."

"She wondered if she could be softer, forgive him for everything, let it pass.  Accept what her life had been.  Something reassuring about that.  But in the end, you feel what you feel.  You don't get a choice.  You don't get to remake yourself from the beginning.  You can't put life back together a different way."

Bags, Books, and People

Free time.  Oh, there was a time when I dreamt of free time and now I'm not sure what to do with it.
I am anxious and afraid that I am forgetting something super crucial- but I'm not.  Ka-ray-zie.

The semester is over and I did it!  I got 6 "A"s and my gpa is now a healthy 3.755.  I have cleared all three of my previous bad grades from my first attempt at college and am now eligible for graduation with honors! Yippee! 

I have started using a "healthy face cream" which I totally hate cuz it makes me feel old but I think it is necessary.  I have never really used a face/skin regimen and have been pretty lucky as far as that goes but I think its time.  Gotta look 30 when I'm 65.  This is also a kind of exercise in patience for me because I HATE putting anything on my face.... make-up, creams, sunscreen, etc.  So, I have to talk myself off a ledge while it is drying but I do like it after it is dry.  Crazy, I know.

This week should be a nice peaceful job hunting week (part-time employment here I come!).  Because I'm sure you all know that we leave for TX on the 26th and that is bound to be stressful and there are many, many people involved that can cause problems and the logistics, and ugh.  Save me SeaWorld, SAVE ME!  I daydream that perhaps they will see how much I love the penguins and they will give me a job and let me stay....ahhhh to be a penguin.

I have done all the laundry and taken the trash out and the only thing that seems to happen is that the next time I look there is more laundry and trash in the trash cans......what the heck?  That is a losing battle, I suppose, but I did manage to get to the library!  I finished a book I started at the beginning of the semester finally and have two more I'm working on.  I am very excited about them.  I love non-required reading!

I am going to try and live in the moment a little more and find joy in the everyday (very Oprah-esqe advise from my doctor) and not wish my life away- but I will be honest that I am really looking forward to the TX trip and it being over- successfully.  I'm not exactly sure what it is I am looking for but I hope I get a little taste of it soon.

Columbia, Asheville, and Gatlinburg trip pics.....

SPC Pierre

Inappropriate

There is ALWAYS time for baseball.......

A love shack at the Botanical Garden at UNC-A.

Thats a lotta beans!!!!!

Almost there!

I just got home from my Spanish final and am giving myself a moment to breathe.

Only two more finals, and one paper stand in the way of closing out this semester.
The semester has seemed unusually long, hard, and annoying.  Not sure if it has been all the weather drama, the violence on campus, harder courses, living situations, or a delightful combination of all of those.

Today, by 5:00 p.m. , I have a paper to turn in and then after that just one test on Wednesday and the last on Thursday.  And I have managed to arrange it so that as long as I don't completely bomb (like get a 40) on either of these tests I should have locked in an "A" for the semester in each class.  That would make the "A" tally 6.  And that would make me 6 for 6.  Is this accomplishment lost on anyone other than my mummy? Oh, and my dad, who once compared auto-diesel college to college. (Well, it's a college too, right?  I mean it has college in the name.....)

Things are going to be in a quasi-freaky mode for the month of May but should level out soon afterwards.  This week I'm wrapping up the semester (oh, and 3 birthdays, 2 mother's days, and an airshow just this weekend alone), next week we have a slew of check-up type doctors appointments (did you know it isn't good when your thyroid stops working?), the week after that we have tons of activities planned that we crammed into this space of time because they couldn't go anywhere else, and then finally, we have our trip to TX.  We're leaving on 05/26 and won't be back until June 3rdish or 4thish.  We are coming back with a lot less money and two more kids (and lots of memories...awww ain't that sweet) than we left with.

I am hoping to find something to supplement my campus job just a teeny bit so we can get out of here and I can buy my beautiful love obsession puppy before the summer is out but if not before then we are confident we are moving in August- (yay, school loan time!).

Things are looking good for the fall.  I'll have an 18 hour semester (Elementary Spanish II, Sociological Theory, Animals and Society, Introduction to Industrial and Organizational Psychology, Introduction to Social Work, and Social Movements and Social Change) but we should have a place of our own and a love puppy to help me cope. 

Words of advice: if you'd like to see my shining, glorious, loving face- catch me in the summer.

PEACE!

An oldie but a goodie......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8hOqsVAgwI

Briefly

I got to campus at 7 to write a psychology paper that is due today at 12:40.
I managed to crank out 3 pages on media reinforcements of oppositional behavior before I ran out of steam.
In said paper I managed to compare Pokemon to dog fighting, demonize several of my favorite shows, and threw in a section of Lil' Wayne's song Every Girl just to type the word "shit" in a paper.
Printed, stapled, over it.

If I can make it through today.....................

>:(

I'm over it, people.
And by it I mean every damn thing.

This week I have 3 tests, 2 essays, and 1 homework assignment due.  I have to register for classes this week and can't seem to piece together the schedule I need at the hours I want it.  I am tired.

I am currently in a fight with the financial aid office for a grant in the Fall.  Funny how by way of not working since 2009 and Dwayne missing 6 months of work last year our income was low enough for me to qualify for a $4,200 grant for 2011-2012 (the first time EVER- you hear me?  E.V.E.R. that I've been able to get anything other than loans) and suddenly I'm pulled for a "randomly selected verification process".  Whaaaaaat?  So, after MTSU makes some "corrections" to my information my grant suddenly goes from $4,200 to $2,600.  My financial aid officer won't return my calls and I can't seem to get anyone from the office to explain to me what happened.  To say that I am pissed is a complete and egregious understatement.  I know how to read and fill out forms so whatever this creative math MTSU is engaged in better have a GREAT explanation.

I am also over my living situation.  When we get back from TX we are moving.  We could live in a fucking storage unit for all I care.  I'm out.  I will no longer tolerate the strange people showing up at all hours of the day/night, the drunken nonsensical rants, or her holier-than-thou speeches that she spouts off as she guzzles beer with a joint in one hand.  I am too old for this and so much better than it.  Hopefully, I can get at least a part-time summer job to get us the eff out of there.  I have been looking for efficiency apartments and I think that is the way we are gonna go.  We need a small, clean place that we can afford on just one salary or hopefully 1.5 salaries.  At this point we are even discussing roommates- I hate that thought but the positives will outweigh the negatives at this point.

My self defense partner better watch out today.

ROAR!

Customer Service?

Call me crazy but when you go into an office to handle some business and the first thing the receptionist says is, "You know you can do that online, right?" you know it isn't going to be a good experience.

Why not instead just say," Hey, I really don't want to do the job I'm being paid to do and you just interrupted a really interesting story my equally lazy coworker was just telling me.  So, let's just forgo the whole customer service aspect of my job and have this be a wasted trip for you. K?"

Here is an over view of the conversation:

Me: Hi, I'm here to pay my membership dues.
LazyGirl: You know you can do that online, right?
Me: Ok.  That is good to know but I have cash can I just pay you?
LazyGirl: Oh, we don't take cash we only take money orders and checks.
Me to Myself: Am I still in America?  Who doesn't take cash?
Me to LazyGirl: Oh, Ok.  That is pretty awesome then.  Thanks.

Am I crazy for letting this get to me like this?  I mean come on I'm here with cash in hand to give you money.  Take out your little receipt book and jot some crap down.  I swear you can get right back to your story in possibly 3 minutes.  So stop flipping your hair, popping your damn gum and take this fresh, crisp, spendable, American money from me you lazy cow!

This wasted trip put me in the KUC watching mtvU. In case you are wondering, mtvU is apparently a channel devoted to angsty music videos.  And I hate angsty music videos.  I have no time for your angst.  If you think your life is angsty now, get ready.

Another reason the KUC is to be avoided is the super crappy food service workers.  If they had to pass a customer service exam or something like that to get the job- none of them would work here.

Me: Can I have a ketchup packet, please?
FSW: Naw.
Me: ?
FSW: We outta ketchup. *turns and helps the next person*

How can you be "outta" ketchup?  This is a motherfucking cafeteria/restaurant/food court!  Find me some fucking ketchup you lazy bitch!  Go in the back, open a box, and pour some ketchup packets in a container of some sort to make it available for consumption!

Perhaps I am expecting too much.  Perhaps I'm wrong to expect an, "Oh, I'm sorry we are out of ketchup  here but let me see if we have any in the back." or even "We are out of ketchup but I believe Einstein Bagels has some." or "We are out but there is a condiment station right around there that should have some."

Or in the office situation: "I'd be happy to help you but we don't take cash in this office. We did before but now you can pay cash in PH directly to Dr. Bailey."  (As I found out was the case from an email that I retrieved from my trash because I could have sworn there was mention of paying cash in it.  Too bad I started the morning out in PH and the trip to the KUC was completely disgustingly avoidable.)

Argh.

Spring Break, Sucking at games, and Life so far........

Spring break was this past week and it was glorious, lovely, miraculous, and delicious. I paid through the nose to get this much needed break the week before. Starting 03/07 through 03/11 it seemed there was something every day. Something I forgot lost, struggled to finish, etc. On top of all of that there was the murder of a MTSU basketball player that really seemed to be the icing on a horrible week.

But as usual, I scraped through and finished all my assignments and managed to feel pretty good about my second Spanish test. That day was crazy- Dwayne was home with the flu, I left all my Spanish homework at home that morning, had an assignment due, that I did, but somehow in my copy and pasting of the assignment managed to miss an entire question..... argh.... But I caught the mistake as I was handing it in and fixed it and submitted it before the 5 p.m. deadline.


I also spoke with my advisor on Friday and got some advice on filing intent to graduate forms. This was after I had a complete existential crisis on whether or not to continue with my Spanish for a B.A. or add a second minor for a B.S. and deal with all the other adult-in-college problems that come with that. Should I cram in that second minor and kill myself for the last two semesters to get out in the spring? Can we afford for me to not work another 6 months after my originally selected graduation time frame and have me actually enjoy my college experience my senior year? Should I follow my joy of learning and attempt the B.A. or go the practical route and go for the B.S.? I made a decision on Friday to do the adult thing and not enjoy my last two semesters and cram in a second minor and get out as fast as I can. After all, I'm way past the point of having the luxury of enjoying college, right? But then I got home and spoke with Dwayne and he pulled me out of my disgruntled stuck-in-fast-forward mode and am now rethinking the decision that I made. Of course I am. So, now, I am in the same place I was before I talked to my advisor only a bit calmer and I have a heck of a cheerleader in my corner. (You can learn Spanish, I know you can! It's only 6 more months and you need to enjoy it. So what if you miss your goal of being 30 when you graduate...you'll only be 31 for 4 months- I think that still counts.)

Spring break finally arrived and I went shopping! I planned a menu of awesome meals and fun activities for me.

Monday: I went with two gals from my last job (what up kk & heth!) and experienced the most amazing things. We met in Green Hills and had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory (my first time ever being there) and then went to Whole Foods and experienced how the rich shop. I got to the mall a little early and went in and drooled in the Louis Vuitton store. I didn't touch anything but was informed by Colt, the salesman, that there would be sting ray clutches coming out in the fall in fun colors for the low, low price of $4750.00. *Gasp* I left the store making sure not to breathe on anything. The Cheesecake Factory was awesome.....a strawberry martini, avocado eggrolls, a navajo sandwich with side salad, and a piece of 30th anniversary chocolate cake chocolate cheesecake. I was in heaven, rich people heaven, and then I was in poor people hell when the bill came. But, it was worth the experience and the company was wonderful. Whole Foods was like a completely different planet. I have never seen so many raw oats and seeds and such in one place in my life. I got some white cheddar cheese, chorizo, andouille, and some amazing whole wheat rolls. I packed up my expensive taste and wandered back to Murfreesboro.

Tuesday: I ran errands and such and then picked up some party favors for a little get together at Freud's house! Yaayyy! There were about 7 of us and we munched on cupcakes, chips and dip, and no bake cookies. We played Apples to Apples (which I totally sucked at....so I'll never play again) and then Pictionary (which I totally DOMINATED- I am an amazing guesser and doodler). We ended the night with Rock Band 3, well, they did. I watched and laughed....a lot.


Wednesday: I took the car in for some scheduled maintenance and ran the last of my errands. Around 2 p.m. that day I realized that all I had left to do was study and that sucked. But somehow I managed to avoid it by throwing myself into cooking and soap operas.


Thursday: I was supposed to eat lunch with Mrs. Johnson but ended up staying in bed and doing homework. Dwayne had the car that day and I was feeling a bit run down from all my running around. But I did manage to get some homework done so I don't have to worry about them this week and watch Andrew Zimmern eat some crazy stuff.


Friday: Dwayne and I took the day together and ate great BBQ at Famous Dave's and watched a total boy movie. We went to see Battle: Los Angeles at the little theater in Murfreesboro. It was a love note to all things U.S. military. After that, we ended up calling the police on a freaky guy in the parking lot who was peeping into cars like he was looking for things to steal.

Crazy, crazy times. I cooked a lot and ate lots of things I'd never had before.... I had prosciutto and pears for lunch, I made homemade spaghetti and meatballs (everything but the noodles was made from scratch), gourmet burgers and sweet potato fries with homemade guacamole spread, fresh chicken nuggets with panko bread crumbs, lasagna rolls, herb-roasted potatoes, mini cheesecakes, chorizo and egg breakfast bakes, etc.


This next week should be relatively slow...... we are about to hit a very busy section with lots of tests and papers and other painfully not-fun stuff. I have a psychology test tomorrow that I have somehow managed to avoid studying for and a big lab assignment due at the end of the week (you better be doing your part, Freud!)

Now that I have done everything there is to possibly do besides what I am supposed to be doing I will go study now. For real this time.

Rah-Rah-Ooh-Laundry

I only bought one box of girl scout cookies this year. (so far)
And I am hoping those little gals disappear as quickly as they arrived so I don't buy anymore.
Stop stalking me on campus, at Penny's, at Wal-Mart, in front of Snappy Tomato, wearing those little green vests and those little sad faces- just stop!

My box of samoas lasted roughly 7 days.  They were hanging in there until March 1, 2011 rolled around. That was a bad day.  A sweaty, running out of deodorant, not finishing homework, getting my clothes locked in a locker room kinda bad day.

But today was much better.  It as been long but better.  Hooray!

I got a lot accomplished today and to prove it (and perhaps just for my personal satisfaction) I will list some of the many, many things I accomplished:

1. took dwayne to work
2. did my mentor forms before deadline (a miracle)
3. didn't fall asleep in criminology
4. finagled my way into another class to use a computer to complete some homework (no trekking across campus to fight for a computer that has that damn specific program i need on it for me)
5. i actually understood the explanation of calculating t- scores and standard error rates in class
6. WENT to psychology ( i so did not want to......but it was actually enjoyable... I managed to sneak hypnosis into the class conversation- tee hee)
7. got a small grocery trip in whilst on the phone refilling a prescription and learning about summer classes
8. checked the mail on the way to get hubby from work
9. stopped and enjoyed some of McDonald's lovely $1.00 drinks with the windows down for a rare moment of week time quality time with hubbster.
10. came home and went to take a 5 second rest........
11. slept for 3.5 hours
12. completed my Spanish composition for my test tomorrow- with the help of a member of the Spanish mafia and catch up with said member at the same time
13. am drying a load of laundry while typing this
14. admonished SFAM about her lack of blogging via text while writing this blog

More than a baker's dozen.. (isn't a baker's dozen 13?).... I'd say that is a productive and somewhat enjoyable day.

Dear Tuesday, March 1, 2011

You are an asshole.

I am Scarlett minus Tara.

I haven't spoken with my dad in roughly 14 months. He has called me and left messages and I won't budge.
This is partly because all my life I have been the one to go back and fix things. To go back and change, apologize, and bend. I am tired of bending.

So, I chose to not speak to one of my biggest sources of insecurity and one of my biggest detractors until he showed me change. Until I got one genuine apology.

I grew up a daddy's girl and all throughout my life remained one. But I never felt as if anything I did was good enough as if my parents were waiting for me to perform some ritual that would prove my love, loyalty, and deepest admiration for what awesome parents they were but I didn't know what that ritual was and still don't.

A great crevasse opened in 2008 and the reasons for lots of things fell into place and things suddenly clicked and I understood why I never felt I was good enough. I apparently owe a deeper debt than I ever knew was possible and those payments were way past due.

I decided to cut off contact because I felt it was best for me and the only way I could move forward. I carry a ton of anger and sadness around with me every day and I had to break free of the one person who could light that kindling on fire in a split second if I was going to live.

I got messages like, "I'm not sure what it is I did but if you want to work this out call me." "I know you think what I did was wrong and I just don't understand why you can't get over this and call me." "When you get done being oversensitive and emotional about this call me." Eventually, I stopped listening to the messages.

The calls would come in sporadically and I got the last one just before Thanksgiving. Until 2/18, that is. I got two missed calls back to back from him. Got two voicemails back to back. I erased them without listening.
I then got a call from a 3rd party informing me that if I was interested in talking he would love to talk to me. If I was not interested in talking then I needed to turn in my and any copies Dwayne has, house keys immediately.

He has a knack for always, always choosing the wrong way of dealing with me. I told the messenger that I would dig up the keys and have them available for pickup immediately. Then realized that I had already removed the keys from my key ring, probably around the time I decided to not talk to him, and wasn't exactly sure of where they are. Things kind of get fuzzy around the time Dwayne got sick.

I am told he is now changing his locks.

I think the deconstruction of everything I once thought was so is complete now. I can't even go back to the one piece of my childhood that I can still smell, touch, and taste and is still tangible evidence of the life I knew before 2008. (I still remember how the curtains blew through the open window of my parent’s room and the weather the day they got their new waterbed and how we had to rig up the hose from outside to fill it. It was spring and light and I could smell the honeysuckle from Mrs. Beaty's farm across the street. And how if you look at the door jamb of the bathroom I shared with my brother you would see pen marks from where I inscribed my initials with those of my first boyfriend.)

Psychologists refer to resilience as is the positive capacity of people to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual “bouncing back” to a previous state of normal functioning, or using the experience of exposure to adversity to produce a “steeling effect” and function better than expected.

And the amazingly strong Elizabeth Edwards said that, "Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good. "

And Scarlett O'Hara said that, "Tomorrow is another day." I used to always look up to Scarlett (insert Southern joke here) because she was so strong and always managed to scrape shit together when it seemed all was lost. You can argue about her methods, of course, she was a huge bitch, but Scarlett always managed to rise to the top with the foundation of Tara to help her.

I like to think that when Rhett left her there crying on the staircase that she got some rest, tracked him down, and they ended up together, because truly, they are one in the same. They both shared a "passion for life."

I must confide in you that I am so very tired of being resilient. I used to imagine myself as Scarlett and thought that with the bits left I can rebuild anything and every time. Now, I am not so sure that anything will ever be the same. Not that I want to go back to that house, or have even thought of it in the past 14 months, but now, I can't. Bye-bye Tara.

I have never felt like more of an orphan than after being given my ultimatum. What the hell is Scarlett supposed to do now?

ohhhhhhhh yeah....

Few things:

the guy from MTSU still hasn't called me back about the construction workers
the symphony was Ah-maz-ing!  We are trying to scrape up some dough to go again ASAP. (will try to write an amazingly beautiful missive about it later.)
Got a 95 on my data analysis test. (91 with 4 extra credit. missed some small things so I am a bit frustrated with myself)
Got an 86 on my first psych paper. (this is a-ok to me since I spewed randomness out the night before it was due.  I'll work harder on my next one, I swear!)
My 105 on my Methods test was accurate! (I got the highest grade of a 90....teacher curved grade to 100 but the class average was only a 70...and she likes it to be a 75 so she just gave us 5 more points.  Thus my 105)
Got a 98 on my Spanish test.
Managed to get my taxes done and returned my hair to a normal color.

Now I just need to hem my pants, design a money printing device, and stop freaking out about junk.

Blabbity blah!

Been thinking thoughts.
Lots and lots.

Considering changing from a B.A. to a B.S. to get out in time.  One stinking class might make me a semester late and I refuse!

This week is much more relaxing than last.  First of the semester tests and papers are ova.  Yay.  We should be in a nice note taking mode for a bit before the next wave of "AHHHHHHHHHH!" hits.

Got a random email from my exbf tonight.  It is so funny for me to type exbf.

Are you happy now, Freud?  :s

I'm feeling verbose tonight.

Ok, so I complain/whine/worry/stress about not making "A"s and then even when I do... I complain.

Monday = Criminology Test #1.  I was sick all weekend and really only glanced at the notes a couple of times but did read the chapters and such as they were assigned so I was hoping for a memory of gold to help pull me through.  The test was 60% multiple choice, short answer,etc.  The remaining 40% was two take home essay questions which were given to us the Friday before the test which didn't get done over the weekend cuz I was sick.  I get to class Monday morning and leave the class feeling like I totally sucked at the in class portion of the test and so I really needed to make my essays great.  All Monday night (they were due by midnight that Monday) I stressed and typed and edited and flipped out on my essays and at the end had the pages needed and some good ideas but mainly felt that it was a rambling mess of blah.  I decided that I would take whatever grade I got and be fine with it as long as it didn't put me out of an end of the semester "A".  I resolved that I would bust my ass for the entire remainder of the semester and make up for it.  I get my test back today........ I got a 92.  Whaaaaat?  How is this possible?  I did my worst on the multiple choice...only missed 1 of the short answer/list/definition/fill-in-the-blank and got 39/40 on my essays!  The heavens parted and showered me in golden light.  Ahhhhhhhh.  I have yet to see the feedback on my essays and am hoping they are better than I thought rather than her being gracious.  I also got back Psych test #1 (which I felt pretty comfortable about and I was right.....) which was a 96.

Tuesday= Spanish Test #1, Stupid Fucking Fence, and Research Methods Test #1.  After flipping my shit all Monday night about my Criminology essays I had little time Tuesday to prepare for my two tests on Tuesday.  I felt pretty confident about my Spanish test and believe I did pretty good. (Test results tomorrow @ 8:00 - will update later.)  But my methods test completely and totally kicked my ass.  I flipped through page after page of multiple choice,short answer,list, and defend-your-choice and my heart broke.  I went back and changed answers and added some here and there and blah.  I made my same vow to take whatever grade I earned.  Here is the rub with this one....I just checked the grade and it is a 105.  Don't get me wrong I love that grade.....if I earned it.  I'd rather have a shitty grade that I earned instead of an "A" that is curved drastically. (Everyone loves a little curve, right?)  I can't quite figure out the math because I don't remember any "extra credit" portions of the test booklet but I do remember her telling us all that she curves quite freely...but my thing is....if the curve put me over 100...I was pretty close, right?  And I didn't even know it was possible to go over a 100 with a curve?  Doesn't the curve put the highest grade AT 100?  (I know, I know.... I complain no matter what.)

Wednesday= Psychology paper #1.  I furiously typed my psychology paper last night in study hall and feel kind of "eh" about it.  It is done and that in itself is a miracle at this point.  I turned it in and am over it.  Did some Spanish homework and studied a bit for my last test this week.

Thursday= no tests, no papers. Symphony night!  *angels singing and crying tears of joy from heaven above*

Friday= Data Analysis test #1.  What is there to say about this other than........I think I have it...but I'm not sure.  We will see?

The tally so far:

Psychology Test #1: 96
Psychology Paper #1: TBA
Criminology Test #1: 92
Spanish Test #1: TBA
Research Methods #1: 105 (it gets more ridiculous every time i type it)
Data Analysis Test #1: taking 02/18/11