Summer Reading......

I created a list of books I'd like to read over the summer and that list keeps on growing. Since my Velveteen Rabbit post I've read more, abandoned one, and added to my list from other readings.


I read about Fragile by Lisa Unger in a cooking magazine I'd been browsing through. It seemed very interesting but I found the writing to be "eh".


When K was here we took a trip to the library and I picked up Hemingway's A Moveable Feast, which is about his time in Paris. It seemed so very interesting and Hemingway has a way of pulling me in but he, for me, is just so bulky verbally and hard to read. I always have to concentrate very hard to read Hemingway and always feel like I've been in battle afterwards. I think it took me 3 tries to read The Sun Also Rises. Which is a very good but very lonely book. With the kids here and craziness going on around me I had to move Feast to the end of the books to read list. I will not accept defeat.....but will accept a small retreat. K picked out a book by Laura Hillman called I Will Plant You a Lilac Tree. It is a memoir of Mrs. Hillman's time in several Nazi death camps and tells how she came to be on Schindler's list. K never opened it so I seized the opportunity and read it myself. It is a young adult book and is a terrifying but amazing story. I am glad I read it because in it Mrs. Hillman references an Austrian poet by the name of Rainer Maria Rilke. I was enchanted by the sections of his work she referenced so much that I looked up a book of translated poems locally.


On my most recent trip I picked up Poems from the Book of Hours by Rilke, A Doll's House, Fahrenheit 451, and Fractions = Trouble. A crazy mix, I know. Rilke was selected due to Mrs. Hillman's references. Ibsen and Bradbury just because they are classic and should be read over and over. And Fractions = Trouble is a children's book by Claudia Mills about a boy named Wilson Williams who has had some problems in the past with math and is struggling with fractions. This book is so cute! I was walking by the children's section and just couldn't resist!

Though my original list is longer now and I am getting sidetracked by other readings I am very happy with the way my summer reading has gone so far. I've discovered a Rilke poem that I absolutely adore and have posted below. (Yay for discovery!)

Untitled

 

No, my life is not this precipitous hour
through which you see me passing at a run.

I stand before my background like a tree.

Of all my many mouths I am but one,

and that which soonest chooses to be dumb.

I am the rest between two notes

which, struck together, sound discordantly,

because death's note would claim a higher key.

But in that dark pause, trembling, the notes meet, harmonious.

And the song continues sweet.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

My pity party.

There are roughly 33 days until school starts and I can't wait!  I know it will be stressful and probably chaotic but along with that chaos comes forward progress.  I've been saying all summer long, "When the kids go back....." Well, they are back home now and I hate to say but it wasn't a moment too soon.

N & K came back with us from our amazing TX trip to stay for a bit.  N only stayed for 2 weeks since he had a UT band camp to attend so we spent the first two weeks doing something, anything, every day.  It was sort of a continuation of the TX trip.  I planned meals, activities, etc to keep them entertained and out of grandma's as much as possible.  They of course spent time with her but she gets very cranky easily so we try to keep it light.  And my mom? Well, she is just not appropriate for children so we avoided her like the plague.

After N went back it was just K and I most days and we actually had fun.  We went window shopping in Green Hills, Cool Springs, etc.  We got some funny pics taken together and it almost seemed like I had a partner in crime.  The funny thing with K, and maybe it's this way with all girls her age, but she is a chameleon.  I never know what to expect from her and am never really sure if I am in or out.  When her Aunt K is around; I'm out usually.  Because Aunt K has money that she very willing spends on all kinds of random crap for K.  No matter the fact that she is supposed to be flying back and already has a box of things that won't fit in her bags- but I am the only one who thinks of these things.  And please believe me when I say that I don't begrudge K getting all she can get while she is here since the remaining parts of the year "the favorites" get showered in gifts that my kids and the ATL kids can only dream of. 

But I thought this year would be different and it really felt different for a while.  Especially, after the crazy Facebook fight that got started by Aunt K- targeting 14-yr-old K and 21-yr-old H, because I defended her and was outraged and expressed that outrage and it seemed like she got it- that what was said was not OK and that I was on her team.  That lasted about a week.  After Aunt K apologized and they all went out for mani/pedis I was out again.  Let me clear one thing up....I'm not saying that she should hate her Aunt K forever or for that matter even be mad about it and not talk to her.... I'm just saying remember who defended you. 

I think having kids without having kids is harder than actually having kids.  I am responsible for them just as much as if they'd been pushed out but without the benefit of that automatic and kind of- "you're stuck with me" attachment.  If I had pushed them out perhaps I'd view things differently.  Like a sweet dusting of rainbow colored sugar on them and every bad thing they did and said.  Not that they do a lot of bad things but on the off occasion that they do- I'm the mean parent and hubby is the nice guy. Always.

I try to be the relaxed parent/step-parent/aunt. Because I know what it was like growing up with my father being the rigid ass that he was.  So, when my beautiful niece H told me she had had sex for the first time I was calm. On the outside.  I held a calm, logical, and great conversation with her.  On the inside, I rambled insanely to myself and began shouting STD statistics and pregnancy facts. 

I try and let the kids be as open as they need to be and let them make small and large choices.  An interesting example of this that made me realize how juxtaposed my demeanor as a step-parent and my emotion as a step-parent are happened a little while back.  It was right before T graduated and I had the "best" idea for a small graduation present. A St. Christopher medallion.  I am not Catholic and none of the Mills clan is but I read about the story of St. Christopher and loved the idea of him protecting the kids on their transition from HS to college (how I romanticize things).  I had given a necklace to H for her graduation present and she loved it.  So, in my mind I decided I was going to create this tradition, girls get a St. Christopher necklace, guys get a medallion as part of their HS graduation.  How wonderful it would be and perhaps they would carry it on and it would all just be so great.  But the logical part of me knew that T had made some comments in the past about religion and I, being the relaxed one, the logical one, decided to email him my case and surely he would see my side and LOVE the idea.  Well, I got a response that said that while the sentiment was "nice" the thought of a St. Christopher medallion was a little to "god-y" for him since he thought all religion was "bullshit" anyway.  He thanked me for asking his opinion though.  I was more hurt by this than I thought I would be.

I'm not even sure what the point of all this is. Perhaps that it is hard being a step-parent, that you shouldn't look for loyalty in a 14 yr-old girl, that you shouldn't ask for opinions if you don't want to hear what is said, and that it sucks feeling like the kill-joy all the time.

The last week K was here, T flew in.  He was here for roughly 2.5 days and the hubby and I argued all the last day.  I had had enough of K's new attitude and between that and a string budget, two boxes of overflowing items to be shipped to TX that were ALL K's and would not fit in her bags, and the fact that their flight left at 6:10 am was all just too much for my patience and when hubby got an attitude I melted down.  Which then caused him to do the same because instead of my usual patient, loving smile and understanding attitude he got "I-don't-give-a-fuck" Sally.  When K started crying because she realized that her mother hadn't booked her seat next to T, I had to go into survival mode and just shut down.

Hubby packed her bags, washed her clothes, readied her for the return home, checked them in online- everything that I would normally do.  This pissed him off even more because as I was told it was like "I was trying to teach someone a lesson" and being a "hardass".  I just listened to him whine and complain and bit my tongue.  Because even though I know he was wrong and being an ass I knew he was out of his element, sad since they were leaving, and just as stressed out as I was.  (I am an amazing wife, I know, applause for me.)

Thank God there were not problems getting them on the plane, they took off on time, and landed safely.  I didn't even bother thinking about the box that needed to be shipped back- I removed myself from that situation and made him handle it. (And wouldn't you know that the ONE time he handles it instead of me, Aunt K decides she will ship it from work- thus making it free. Fuckers.  I hate them all, every one.)

Now that the kids are gone we're back in our temporary residence at Sue's Smokehouse.  We've settled into a new routine and there is peace in the valley once again.  I'm not the hardass now and I make his world spin every day with a delightful smile.  I'm still taking him to and from work but that will stop once school starts - I'm counting the days quietly.

Perhaps this marriage and step-kids thing is teaching me patience after all.

Mother-in-Law Blues

Since the kids are here I am in between two homes.  My old home is being treated like a large closet/storage/break room and my new home is one with an overbearing, pessimistic, hoarding grandma.

I cook almost every night because we can't afford to feed us and the kids, even just one kid, on restaurant food. Besides it isn't like we can afford to eat out a lot when it is just the two of us.  So, since I am using psycho grandma's kitchen and utensils I make sure to clean every fork, knife, plate, pot, every damn thing we touch so that it can't be said we are taking advantage of her.  I'm not sure that argument can be made anyway because we are buying all the food used and usually make sure she gets to participate in dinner.

All this back story leads me to one thing.... my mother-in-law is a passive aggressive snotty bitch.

Hubby's brother had a medical incident which lead to us having to go visit the ATL group this past weekend.  We left last Friday.  Thursday, the day before we left, I made a delicious meal, that grandma took part in, and cleaned all but one bowl and one strainer.  I used these items to drain ground beef as per grandma's instructions because she has some kind of special counter top that is connected to the sink and if it gets too hot it will crack.....don't even get me started on that......  Anywho...we ate unusually late that night so I cleaned the kitchen and left the strainer in the bowl with some soapy water because I was exhausted.  I thought I'd clean it the next day as we prepared to leave but that day was crazy and then I thought maybe, just maybe grandma would wash those two items.  Perhaps since she has been eating the food I've purchased, cooked, and in a kitchen I've cleaned every night, and done dishes with dish towels that I have cleaned...she might give me a break.

Friday night we were in ATL.  Saturday night we were in ATL.  We got back Sunday late.  What do you know?  Those bowls were still there...along with what looked like 25 days worth of other dishes....the dishes I ran Thursday night were still in the dishwasher waiting to be put away.

I cooked last night, grandma ate.  I did the dishes....all but that damn bowl and strainer...thinking maybe I was putting too much into this......

Tonight I cooked again, grandma ate again.  That damn bowl and strainer still staring at me from the sink.....and I told myself and I told Dwayne that I wasn't gonna wash those fucking things.

But I did.

ARGH!

Damn Rabbits

I've been taking Dwayne to work every morning and picking him up every afternoon since the kids got here.  Logistically, this is super annoying and gas consuming but helpful since that means the kids (well, currently, kid) and I can go do things while he is at work.

You might know a driver like me.  You might be a driver like me.  I am consistently speeding; not dangerously so, but I definitely have a speed I am comfortable with.  I've gotten tickets before- after all, speeders are really playing the odds- but it has been a while since I was visited on by a ticket.

This morning I was driving hubby to work and a rabbit ran out into the road.  I slowed down and waited while it danced back and forth trying to decide which way to go and encouraged it to run for the safety of the woods, which it did.  We moved on and I saw yet another rabbit sitting peacefully by the road eating grass and that is when I believe I tempted fate.  Upon seeing the second rabbit I said,

"I've seen two rabbits already this morning! Do you think that means it's my lucky day?"

There was no crack of thunder or ominous laughing but I apparently pissed off someone.  As we got into LaVergne I was driving 44 in a 30 (and before ya'll get worked up- it wasn't residential) and got popped.  $110.00.  Nice.

I'm not that upset about it because I was speeding and there have been a gaggle of times where I've gotten away with it but I'm not gonna lie- I was looking for those fucking rabbits on the way home.

Trip Blog!

As you probably know we recently took a trip to Texas to see the oldest graduate from high school.  Since this trip was a driving trip and was going to cost a significant amount we decided to make it a vacation/kid pick-up/graduation trip all in one. (Genius, right?)

We left 05/26 and drove to Texarkana, TX and stayed right on Stateline Rd.  Our hotel was on the TX side and the Wal-Mart and the SubWay were on the AR side- cool huh?  I made a point to drive randomly from one side to the other so I could make state line jokes and quiz Dwayne on which state we were in.

The next day we drove to Austin by way of Dallas.  I'm not sure which genius picked the route that actually went through Dallas but somehow it happened.  We crossed over the Hubbard reservoir, which was freaking huge and so pretty, but awfully scary at the same time, and headed into Dallas proper.  It was around this time that I realized that IH-35 hates me.  The traffic, both in volume and craziness was insane.  I felt as if I was in the middle of a video designed by a madman.  My hands gripped the wheel so tightly I actually burst a blood vessel in my left hand.  That was probably around the time a chunk of tire debris came out of nowhere and I screamed and swerved to avoid it but still managed to run over it.  Yay.  Further on down on IH-35, around Waco, we came to a stand still......for miles. Ugh.  I can handle slow traffic but when we are STOPPED on the interstate I pretty much lose my mind.  It would just accordion back and forth and back and forth.....until finally we passed what was causing the problem- a massive truck fire.  The cab of the truck was no longer there...the trailer was melted and the entire grass,tree, and side of the road was scorched.

We finally checked into our hotel and gathered the children from their mom's house.  We all went to dinner at Rome's pizza, Tyler's job, and managed to thoroughly embarrass him.  The kids spent the night with their mom and when Tyler got off work he came and spent the night in our hotel.  The graduation was 05/28 at Cedar Park Event Center.  This place was huge!  They hold concerts there and a minor league hockey team is housed there.  There were 652 students graduating from McNeil High School that day.  We saw Tyler graduate and there was a ovary aching moment when I looked over at Dwayne and he was teary-eyed.  I asked him if he was ok and he said, "I was fine until the music started."  OMG- le sigh.

After the graduation we all went outside to take some pictures.  (For some reason the week or so we were in TX was one of the windiest on record there.....)  We all then headed to Texican Cafe for some super awesome food. (I picked it out after doing some research online and everyone loved it- yeah, I'm totally badass.)  We then ran around Austin for a bit before dropping Tyler off at a graduation after-party thingy for the night.  The kids spent the night with us at the hotel and we all passed out pretty quickly.  We got up the next morning at 5:30 when Tyler's lock-in ended, picked him up, and then went to Round Rock Donuts for some world famous donuts.  Got those and took them back to the hotel and after they were devoured we all went back to sleep.

05/29 we handed the kids back to their mom for their last day together (don't even get me started. That is a story for another day or alcohol fueled evening) - with the exception of Tyler, who before going to work that day went to lunch with all of the TN people at The Salt Lick.  After a wonderful lunch Tyler went to work and part of the TN group headed for San Antonio but Dwayne and I headed to downtown Austin.  We roamed around the UT campus for a bit (I got into a fountain to be silly and it turned out to be extremely refreshing until I walked around to the other side of it and saw there was a dead bird floating in it.  I recall screaming, "I just got in dead bird water!!")  We then drove around Guadalupe St for a bit then headed to the capital building.  We parked and then went on an awesome self guided tour.  We were surprised to learn that the HOR and the Senate were both in session (apparently, TN isn't the only state that has problems passing a budget) so we sat in for a bit on both.  In the HOR there was a battle of harsh words going on about some decade long building contracts that were recently approved but in the senate they were handling lighter fare.  We were there to witness the passing of Italian-American heritage day!!  Yeah!!  After the capital we ventured to Zilker Park and tried to find the Stevie Ray Vaughn statue but were unsuccessful.  Tyler came and stayed with us that night after work.


05/30 we picked up the kids and headed to San Antonio.  We parked downtown and headed to the Alamo.  The Alamo is freaking ahmazing.  I loved it.  The grounds, the staff, and the authenticity of the place.  I was told to be prepared to be disappointed (by she who will not be named) but I wasn't disappointed in the least.  We were able to catch a speaker on the grounds who told the story of the Alamo, watched a history channel thingy, and went through all the exhibits.  We then headed to the Riverwalk. OMG.  We took a boat ride and got all the inside tips on the area, ventured through the mall, and then had some awesome food (and one huge drink) right next to the water.  We fed the ducks and pigeons (illegally, I might add) and relaxed for a bit.


05/31  SEAWORLD!  OMGZ.  I LOVED IT!  I swear there were times I broke out into tears and I have no idea why.  We spent all day at the park, walking, sweating, and seeing shows.  Then Kalli and I went to see the behind the scenes of the penguin exhibit.  We got to learn about the fish they eat, go into the exhibit, and pet one!  YEAH!  There even some penguin high-jinks as three different penguins found their way out of the exhibit and into the back areas- a penguin jail break!  That night we ordered pizza to our hotel and passed out.

06/01  We had previously invited Tyler and his gf Julia to meet us in Corpus Christi if they were both out of work and could make it.  Well, they could- yay.  We all met at the USS Lexington and took the tours there. We toured the hangar deck, the bridge, and the crew/captain rooms.  Those stairs...no they aren't even stairs..they are like ladders....are INSANE.  I huffed and puffed and squeezed my way through the ship.  The kids got on the anti-aircraft guns and we went through every inch of that ship.  There were huge gun turrets on the deck in which you could climb...... so we crammed all 6 of us in there...watched a video of what it would be like and then Tyler, being the adventurous one, pressed a button.....the loudest, most crazy grinding noise erupted from the speakers.  We all screamed and Tyler laughed after the initial shock.  He had pressed the "howler" button, FYI.  The kids got into a flight simulator and we had a quick snack at "The Mess Deck" on board the ship.  We were all exhausted after climbing all over the ship and were looking forward to a nice swim in the gulf.  We headed down the beach and found a gazebo to park our stuff.  Everyone went inside to change (as Dwayne says- like civilized people) but I decided that I was on vacation and I was going to enjoy the outdoors- so I changed outside at the gazebo.  It was glorious!!!  We all changed and headed straight for the water.  Unfortunately, there were others already there.  JELLYFISH.  Everywhere.  I'm not sure what the problem was... if it was mating season or they had been disturbed by something but it was like a massive jellyfish graveyard.  We walked down the beach to try and find a clear spot but no joy.  They were all over the beach and in the water and ugh.  So, we gave up and ended up swimming at the hotel.  We all had a very interesting dinner at Joe's Crab Shack and Tyler and Julia left for home.

06/02 The remaining four of us headed to Texarkana, TX and stated at the same hotel on Stateline Rd.  And yes, I made the same jokes and got the same response.  :)

06/03 We made it home.  Well, kind of.  Since we have Noah and Kalli both for now we are living with the in-laws and treating our old haunt as a huge closet and laundry facility.

So, for now..we are in-between homes and have been trying to do cheap,free, fun things.  We've been to the Greenway, swimming, had Thai and Greek food, gone to a gourmet chocolate shop, and I have plenty more things lined up.  The ATL group is coming up next weekend which will add another element to this tango, too.  Noah is leaving 06/18 at 8 am and Kalli is leaving mid-July.  There are many nuances of the trip and tons of stories to tell and maybe soon it will slow down enough for me to type more.

For now we are off for a late dinner and movie time.  Ta-ta for now.

Trip Pictures

These pics loaded in a random order even though I added them in a specific order.... go figure.  Posting this now... still working on recap....will post in separate blog.

YAY!! 

 

Dwayne and I and the oldest.

Everyone at the graduation dinner.

TX state Capital

The view from Congress St.

The Alamo!

I don't even know what to say here....

They were over the car at this point..... (Dallas on the way home....) 

Fountain and Tower on the UT campus.

Fountain on the Alamo grounds.

RiverWalk view...... 

RiverCenter Mall on the RiverWalk

View from the Mall.....

Jerks.

SEAWORLD!

Cannery Caper!

Whale!

Whale, again!

In the Penguin exhibit.

Doozey the RockHopper.

After he pooped on the little girl....

He was a little restless...checking everyone out...

Rosita the baby RockHopper.

The SeaWorld group.

The USS Lexington.

Self-explanatory.

View from a rest area on the ship.

Tyler and Julia in the gun turret- before the howler incident.

In the barracks.

Kalli wants to sign up!

He was laughing so hard when they saw this sign.

The Lexington group.

Revisting The Velveteen Rabbit

........"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room.  "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick out handle?" 
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.  "It's a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." 
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.  "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." 
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" 
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.  "You become.  It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints, and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.".............................