Story #2: Oh, shit. Did I just do that? HELL YES I DID!

Ok, this story was sort of like an out of body experience for me.

I can write some bad ass, scathing emails and leave mean voice mails but I'm not a fighter.  When I argue in person I kind of stall and think of something mean afterwards and I've only been in 1 physical altercation in my whole life....when I was like 10....with a cousin. (I won if that scares you, bitches.)

So anyway, as I get older I'm becoming more like Kathy Bates in Steel Magnolias and stuff pops out of my mouth and I do things before I can catch them.  And I kinda like it.

My birthday was 9-11 and my love and I went to the Avenues to browse and take in the sun, cookies, and book smell of Barnes and Noble.  (A quick digression if you will allow it: I spent my birthday mainly in two different parts of Murfreesboro. One part is clearly know for being more affluent than the other, The Avenues/Cason Lane/Blackman Farms area and the other not so much, Northfield Blvd/Mercury Blvdish. And I must say I had more fun in the "poor" area of town...the problems only arrived when I went to the more posh side of town.)

So, we are at The Avenue. Went to Best Buy, browsed, nothing great so we head towards Barnes and Noble. I notice an "American Cookie Company" next to the Smoky Mt. Fudge place and immediately want a clamwich.  (Ok, 2 things here.... if you don't know what a clamwich is you are seriously missing out and #2 they have clamwiches at the American Cookie Company in the Stones River Mall...a.k.a. the poor Murfreesboro mall.)  Cuz silly me, I thought that if it had the same name it would have my beloved clamwiches.  So, I go in, no clamwiches, but I'm cool with that, sort of.  I get two diet cokes and a regular sized cookie monster (basically a large clamwich but with no cute face on it) and leave the store.

I stop at the edge of the raised, paved, pedestrian walkway to let a car pass and begin walking. I see another car behind the one I let pass but figure they would know the etiquette, right?  So, I'm walking, they keep coming, I keep walking, and those bitches keep coming.  They finally stop when I am probably half a foot from their passenger side door. No clamwiches, and apparently these whores don't recognize the difference between the road and a RAISED, PAVED, PEDESTRIAN WALK.

I decide to help them by screaming "WALKWAY!!!!!! WALKWAY, HERE!!!! I'M A PEDESTRIAN ON A PEDESTRIAN WALKWAY- SEE THE CONNECTION????" While shouting I point to the walkway to help illustrate my point.

The driver threw her hand up and tried to communicate in some way.  I am not sure what she was saying and that is probably a good thing. Then the two young ladies in the SUV decide to keep going.  I think that is the point where I flew out of myself. I thought "If I had something to throw......" (I have often thought this at Wal-Mart, some mall parking lots, and frequently while driving.) And then something in me clicked. "I do have something to throw! OMG! THROW IT!" And it was like I was watching myself....my right arm went up and I threw the poor, overpriced diet coke I had in my hand and I watched it until it make a satisfying noise on the window of their passenger side window.

The car paused momentarily and the Bates part of me thought, "It will only be a misdemeanor. I hope they get out because I've got a clean record. Let's go you bitches!" But they went on and when I looked up I saw a horrified Dwayne standing by our car.  His face was priceless.

I was so full of adrenaline I was almost shaking as I walked to the car.  We ate our cookie and shared the surviving diet coke in silence.  Until I said, "I can't believe I actually did that." We started laughing and high tailed it back to the poor part of town.