I am Scarlett minus Tara.

I haven't spoken with my dad in roughly 14 months. He has called me and left messages and I won't budge.
This is partly because all my life I have been the one to go back and fix things. To go back and change, apologize, and bend. I am tired of bending.

So, I chose to not speak to one of my biggest sources of insecurity and one of my biggest detractors until he showed me change. Until I got one genuine apology.

I grew up a daddy's girl and all throughout my life remained one. But I never felt as if anything I did was good enough as if my parents were waiting for me to perform some ritual that would prove my love, loyalty, and deepest admiration for what awesome parents they were but I didn't know what that ritual was and still don't.

A great crevasse opened in 2008 and the reasons for lots of things fell into place and things suddenly clicked and I understood why I never felt I was good enough. I apparently owe a deeper debt than I ever knew was possible and those payments were way past due.

I decided to cut off contact because I felt it was best for me and the only way I could move forward. I carry a ton of anger and sadness around with me every day and I had to break free of the one person who could light that kindling on fire in a split second if I was going to live.

I got messages like, "I'm not sure what it is I did but if you want to work this out call me." "I know you think what I did was wrong and I just don't understand why you can't get over this and call me." "When you get done being oversensitive and emotional about this call me." Eventually, I stopped listening to the messages.

The calls would come in sporadically and I got the last one just before Thanksgiving. Until 2/18, that is. I got two missed calls back to back from him. Got two voicemails back to back. I erased them without listening.
I then got a call from a 3rd party informing me that if I was interested in talking he would love to talk to me. If I was not interested in talking then I needed to turn in my and any copies Dwayne has, house keys immediately.

He has a knack for always, always choosing the wrong way of dealing with me. I told the messenger that I would dig up the keys and have them available for pickup immediately. Then realized that I had already removed the keys from my key ring, probably around the time I decided to not talk to him, and wasn't exactly sure of where they are. Things kind of get fuzzy around the time Dwayne got sick.

I am told he is now changing his locks.

I think the deconstruction of everything I once thought was so is complete now. I can't even go back to the one piece of my childhood that I can still smell, touch, and taste and is still tangible evidence of the life I knew before 2008. (I still remember how the curtains blew through the open window of my parent’s room and the weather the day they got their new waterbed and how we had to rig up the hose from outside to fill it. It was spring and light and I could smell the honeysuckle from Mrs. Beaty's farm across the street. And how if you look at the door jamb of the bathroom I shared with my brother you would see pen marks from where I inscribed my initials with those of my first boyfriend.)

Psychologists refer to resilience as is the positive capacity of people to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual “bouncing back” to a previous state of normal functioning, or using the experience of exposure to adversity to produce a “steeling effect” and function better than expected.

And the amazingly strong Elizabeth Edwards said that, "Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good. "

And Scarlett O'Hara said that, "Tomorrow is another day." I used to always look up to Scarlett (insert Southern joke here) because she was so strong and always managed to scrape shit together when it seemed all was lost. You can argue about her methods, of course, she was a huge bitch, but Scarlett always managed to rise to the top with the foundation of Tara to help her.

I like to think that when Rhett left her there crying on the staircase that she got some rest, tracked him down, and they ended up together, because truly, they are one in the same. They both shared a "passion for life."

I must confide in you that I am so very tired of being resilient. I used to imagine myself as Scarlett and thought that with the bits left I can rebuild anything and every time. Now, I am not so sure that anything will ever be the same. Not that I want to go back to that house, or have even thought of it in the past 14 months, but now, I can't. Bye-bye Tara.

I have never felt like more of an orphan than after being given my ultimatum. What the hell is Scarlett supposed to do now?

ohhhhhhhh yeah....

Few things:

the guy from MTSU still hasn't called me back about the construction workers
the symphony was Ah-maz-ing!  We are trying to scrape up some dough to go again ASAP. (will try to write an amazingly beautiful missive about it later.)
Got a 95 on my data analysis test. (91 with 4 extra credit. missed some small things so I am a bit frustrated with myself)
Got an 86 on my first psych paper. (this is a-ok to me since I spewed randomness out the night before it was due.  I'll work harder on my next one, I swear!)
My 105 on my Methods test was accurate! (I got the highest grade of a 90....teacher curved grade to 100 but the class average was only a 70...and she likes it to be a 75 so she just gave us 5 more points.  Thus my 105)
Got a 98 on my Spanish test.
Managed to get my taxes done and returned my hair to a normal color.

Now I just need to hem my pants, design a money printing device, and stop freaking out about junk.

Blabbity blah!

Been thinking thoughts.
Lots and lots.

Considering changing from a B.A. to a B.S. to get out in time.  One stinking class might make me a semester late and I refuse!

This week is much more relaxing than last.  First of the semester tests and papers are ova.  Yay.  We should be in a nice note taking mode for a bit before the next wave of "AHHHHHHHHHH!" hits.

Got a random email from my exbf tonight.  It is so funny for me to type exbf.

Are you happy now, Freud?  :s

I'm feeling verbose tonight.

Ok, so I complain/whine/worry/stress about not making "A"s and then even when I do... I complain.

Monday = Criminology Test #1.  I was sick all weekend and really only glanced at the notes a couple of times but did read the chapters and such as they were assigned so I was hoping for a memory of gold to help pull me through.  The test was 60% multiple choice, short answer,etc.  The remaining 40% was two take home essay questions which were given to us the Friday before the test which didn't get done over the weekend cuz I was sick.  I get to class Monday morning and leave the class feeling like I totally sucked at the in class portion of the test and so I really needed to make my essays great.  All Monday night (they were due by midnight that Monday) I stressed and typed and edited and flipped out on my essays and at the end had the pages needed and some good ideas but mainly felt that it was a rambling mess of blah.  I decided that I would take whatever grade I got and be fine with it as long as it didn't put me out of an end of the semester "A".  I resolved that I would bust my ass for the entire remainder of the semester and make up for it.  I get my test back today........ I got a 92.  Whaaaaat?  How is this possible?  I did my worst on the multiple choice...only missed 1 of the short answer/list/definition/fill-in-the-blank and got 39/40 on my essays!  The heavens parted and showered me in golden light.  Ahhhhhhhh.  I have yet to see the feedback on my essays and am hoping they are better than I thought rather than her being gracious.  I also got back Psych test #1 (which I felt pretty comfortable about and I was right.....) which was a 96.

Tuesday= Spanish Test #1, Stupid Fucking Fence, and Research Methods Test #1.  After flipping my shit all Monday night about my Criminology essays I had little time Tuesday to prepare for my two tests on Tuesday.  I felt pretty confident about my Spanish test and believe I did pretty good. (Test results tomorrow @ 8:00 - will update later.)  But my methods test completely and totally kicked my ass.  I flipped through page after page of multiple choice,short answer,list, and defend-your-choice and my heart broke.  I went back and changed answers and added some here and there and blah.  I made my same vow to take whatever grade I earned.  Here is the rub with this one....I just checked the grade and it is a 105.  Don't get me wrong I love that grade.....if I earned it.  I'd rather have a shitty grade that I earned instead of an "A" that is curved drastically. (Everyone loves a little curve, right?)  I can't quite figure out the math because I don't remember any "extra credit" portions of the test booklet but I do remember her telling us all that she curves quite freely...but my thing is....if the curve put me over 100...I was pretty close, right?  And I didn't even know it was possible to go over a 100 with a curve?  Doesn't the curve put the highest grade AT 100?  (I know, I know.... I complain no matter what.)

Wednesday= Psychology paper #1.  I furiously typed my psychology paper last night in study hall and feel kind of "eh" about it.  It is done and that in itself is a miracle at this point.  I turned it in and am over it.  Did some Spanish homework and studied a bit for my last test this week.

Thursday= no tests, no papers. Symphony night!  *angels singing and crying tears of joy from heaven above*

Friday= Data Analysis test #1.  What is there to say about this other than........I think I have it...but I'm not sure.  We will see?

The tally so far:

Psychology Test #1: 96
Psychology Paper #1: TBA
Criminology Test #1: 92
Spanish Test #1: TBA
Research Methods #1: 105 (it gets more ridiculous every time i type it)
Data Analysis Test #1: taking 02/18/11

Stupid fucking fence.......

I don't know about you but when I think of college I think classes, books, and tests.
I don't think fences, trekking miles and miles to class, and getting yelled at by asshole construction workers.

Today on my trek to my Spanish class I overheard a disturbing altercation.  Thinking back I should have stayed and possibly filmed this and been a witness but alas I had an 8:00 a.m. Spanish test.

The BAS is a square shaped building wedged in between two dorms just off center of campus.  It is a very heavily used building on campus for a multitude of classes and apparently now shootings.  Anyway, the road in front of it is being worked on and so the construction company put up a fence.  No problem, right?  Well, this fence not only covers the road in front of the BAS it also has blocked 3/4 of the buildings access and in the process blocked in an entire dorm in the construction zone.

In order to get to the BAS from the most commonly used parking lots we now have to follow Moses down the front of the construction road, take a 90 degree right hand turn, climb over retaining walls (because did I tell you this fence blocks the stairs and sidewalks, too?), make it all the way to the intersection at the Agriculture building and then take another 90 degree, left this time, and walk back down the way you came, cross the closed street and then squeeze between a bent portion of the fence and the other dorm.
Please see my lovely diagram below:

It is extremely inconvenient (my drawing is not to scale obviously and that stupid fence covers a LOT of land) and I am not aware of any communication by MTSU to let us know about this in advance.  I do remember an article in the Sidelines about upcoming construction but do not recall them mentioning a massive, seemingly unending fencing in of the BAS and the roving teams of asshole construction workers that accompany it.

This fence also blocks massive amounts of handicapped parking- isn't there some kind of ADA requirement of so many spots per so many people?  Also, the ramps and electric doors and elevator access are blocked on 3 sides of the BAS now...... not sure that is quite legal.

Now to the incident that sparked this crazy ass blog. 

I am walking to my Spanish class...cursing under my breath about this stupid fence and really how much room do they need and such.  I see two young men come out of the fenced in dorm....guess they live there?  They walk across the street to a gap in the fence and proceed to cross through.  Literally people, it is a part where two pieces of fence come together and are chained closed.  They are about to walk away and two construction workers run screaming their way.

They stop and are told that, "If I see you come this way again we're going to have problems, buddy" and that "campus police are already on their way" and that next time they will be "prosecuted".  They were then asked to give their names so that if they dare try this stunt again they would be known.  The students, young men, visible shaken and quite intimidated gave their names and I thought all was resolved- until one said something like "I just slipped through the gap..."  only to be interrupted by I'm guessing the foreman yelling, "I don't care DUDE, I don't CARE! Ya'll been knocking down my fence all the time and I am TIRED OF IT!" 

Okay, first of all, it is chain link and poles, you and your grandpappy didn't construct this shit by hand while you drank iced tea.  Secondly, this fence is all of 2 days old and clearly up and not knocked down in any areas.  Lastly, who the fuck do you think you are that you think it is acceptable to talk to someone that way?  They are not your kids and they aren't paying you-they are paying MTSU, and I bet MTSU wouldn't (wisely, anyway) like you talking that way to students who study (and in this case LIVE) on campus.

So, I thought about it and about how outrageous this was to me.....and the more I got to thinking about it the more angry I got.....I get the safety aspect, I do...but this is too much and to have to be talked to like that? Nah.  That isn't for me.  I wonder if those guys were going to complain and I decided that I would just in case they didn't.  Because I remember an age where someone like that and a situation as such would intimidate me but not anymore.  People deserve a certain level of respect and this could have been handled so much more appropriately.

So, now I have a call into the campus planning office to lodge a complaint.....haven't gotten a call back from 4 people I've left messages with....perhaps my next call will be to the Sidelines editor?
                                                      
                    

Ya,Ya,Ya!

Today there was a 2 hour delay at school.
This meant my 8 a.m. Spanish class was cancelled- yay, no test!

I got to sleep in until 9 and get hubby off to work late.  He texted me later and said that 90 people called out from work because of the snow. 

I went to my 11:20 Self Defense class and got to see a girl's nose bleed.  Shit got real.  The hit wasn't malicious though it just landed wrong.  She was okay after a bit and went back to rolling around with her partner.

Got an assignment I was obsessing over back in my Research Methods class.  Got a 4.5/5.  Which is good but when reviewing the assignment I realized I had misunderstood the point of part of the assignment and so I was tackling it from the wrong angle....which resulted in my wrong answers.......  I should just take my 4.5 and move on but it bothers me a smidge so I need to remember my last post. 

I took my first test of the semester and feel pretty good about it and am hoping that that old lady grades fast.  I have 4 tests, one paper, and one symphony date within the next 6 days. 

My boyfriend got shipped off to boot camp on 02/08/2011 to Fort Jackson, SC.  He will be there for 12 weeks and then off to AZ for intelligence training for 9 months.  He wasn't too excited about it but thinks it will do wonders for him.  I think hubby and I are going to try and see him graduate- depending on the timing.  The end of this semester is going to be crowded with all sorts of things.

I really want a steak right now, a potato, and a salad.  A free one that I didn't have to cook.

Off to do study guides in study hall........................

I have to remember....

that everything doesn't have to be perfect.

I need to rememer to breathe.

Everything doesn't have to be perfect.

*le sigh*

Good to Know

Today has been a mixed bag of highs and lows and little tid bits along the way.

Tuesday/Thursday I have two classes and a self defense class so I have this mismash of things I have to carry with me.  Books, notebooks, clothes, deodorant, flash cards, etc.....

I am in the very bad habit of carrying everything I need for every class in my backpack no matter what day I have the class on.  My thinking is that if I have a free moment or finish something early I can just go right to the next thing- right?  No matter that this is a rare occurrence-in my mind, since I has happened before it will invariably happen again.  And let me tell you there is no worse feeling (ok, yes there is...) than thinking,"Oh, I can totally work on ________ while I wait!" and when you reach for the folder it isn't there.  Wasted time, tsk, tsk.

So anyway, since my backpack this semester has 5 books, 1 binder, 5 folders, 4 spiral notebooks, a dictionary, flash drive, earbuds, hand sanitizer, calculator, and a pencil pack full of various writing utensils, a small stapler, staples, paper clips, post it notes, etc.........   it is heavy.

I (and my back) decided that on Tuesday/Thursday I need a break and so will only carry the books I need for that day's classes and clothes for self defense.  You have no idea how much inner turmoil this decision caused me.  But I reasoned with myself and decided it was for the best.  No more carrying around a 100 pound backpack, purse, and a bag of clothes and toiletries for self defense.

I woke up and pulled out one bag.  I placed 2 books, 2 folders, 2 spiral notebooks, and 1 binder in it for my "real" classes today.  I then remembered I needed my flashcards- tossed those in.  Then packed my karate pants, a shirt, a towel, my toiletry bag, and flash drive.  Determined not to use a second bag I crammed my purse full of my lunch and made sure to grab the umbrella on my way out.

I felt victorious.  The bag was heavy but not as heavy as my normal load plus the bag.  Victory!  I managed to get out on time and made it to class without having to rush.  I smugly pulled out my binder, book, flashcards.......and that is when I realized I didn't pack ANYTHING from my pencil pouch!  Not one stinking pen, pencil, highlighter, color pencil....nothing had made it to my bag.

I scrambled and found a pen that I keep in my purse as a "purse pen" (yeah, I'm psycho....) and saved the day.  Went through my Spanish class and not only avoided strangling the most annoying person in the world but also got some extra credit due to the exactness of my work.  I was the only person who had read and then followed (to the "T", I might add) the directions for our homework assignments- imagine that.  Someone named Amanda is a little overachiever.

Went to the lab and finished up a homework assignment from my flash drive and headed off into academic victory fueled bliss to the locker room.  I set up my locker, changed clothes and went off to roll on the ground and practice kicking ass. 

I learned how to break a guard, avoid being dragged to another location and how to be a bad ass in general.  Went to the locker room, showered and changed clothes.  I was looking good time wise and was looking forward to a nice quick lunch before my last class.  Packed my bags and went to brush my hair and realized that I didn't have one.  Argh. FML.  No pens first and now this?  Two essential items that were completely neglected!  Who am I and where the fuck is my second bag!?  This would have never happened if I had had my second bag!

I really didn't have a choice on what to do.  So I put my freshly washed hair up in my sweaty scrunchie from self defense and headed out looking like a freak. Crammed my lunch together and ate (because in my panic over my brush I fell into a time-space crag and spent way longer than I anticipated in the locker room) quickly.

When class was over I ran out into the rain and fought my way home looking like a clown with disgusting hair and dark circles under my eyes due to lack of sleep.

I made it home at 3........did two loads of laundry, took the trash out, cleaned up, cooked dinner, and spent roughly 15 minutes of quality time with hubby before rushing out again to study hall.  And this time- I BROUGHT BOTH BAGS!